A teenagers brain is, (or certainly can be) ‘turbulent’. So many changes take place during this period of life. ‘Along with the physical changes of puberty, adolescents go through significant transformations in the way they think, act, feel and perceive the world’. A teenagers brain could give them the idea that they are invincible, with almost super human capabilities. It’s been described as being ‘wired for experimentation, without the ability to weigh up long-term outcomes.’
Developmentally, adolescence is a time of growth, for young people to begin to flourish as people in their own right, its what makes the exit out of childhood and into adulthood possible. And as in every period of growth it is a push and pull between safety (parents provide this) and the need to explore and develop (a teenagers natural impulse). This can easily become the point in life where parent and child come into conflict. The parental objective being to keep their children safe, while the young person pushes for more independence.
As parents/carers and the laws that govern us, focus at this time is on keeping every member of family and society safe For young people however, there may be the feeling of, ‘but that can’t/won’t happen to me’, or, ‘if I do that, I’ll get away with it’. For parents in the position of managing the ‘pull’ that the adolescent presents, it is probably most helpful to, in the first instance, offer empathy for their situation. ‘Yes, this time does feel difficult and missing out on time spent with friends is isolating.’
The temptation to offer the buts such as ‘this time will pass, and with patience in doing the right thing, much quicker too’ will be almost too difficult to resist. However, questions that promote discussion and reflection could well prove to be the better way in engaging your adolescent in understanding.
If your child does mess up, try not to read the riot act, instead ask questions such as ‘why do you think we’re isolating? What do you think the outcome of meeting up with friend's might be? Why do you think it is important that everyone follows the rules even though it is so difficult to do?’ When/if you are met with objections and anger try to empathise with the feeling being expressed….feeling understood is the single most effective way to calm and sooth ‘the adolescent brain’. Whereas asking your teenager to calm down in a quiet voice is the most igniting!
Try to lead through example in showing that despite the current situation, attention can be turned to what can be done not to what can’t. We can’t go out to meet friends but we can keep in contact in other very creative ways. We can’t go out to dinner but we can make dinners different, special, themed etc at home.
For parents and children/teenagers alike, this is a time to, of course be kind to others, but also to be kind to ourselves. This isn’t an easy time and difficult feelings will undoubtedly arise. Pushing those feelings aside might feel like the right thing to do but it is actually only by allowing yourself to go through them that you can get yourself through to the other side.
