Ways to Survive

Lowering  expectations of ourselves

In times like these, the goals and aspirations that we normally strive for could feel way out of reach. Most of us will be finding something difficult and most likely self esteem will be lower and less buoyant than usual. Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs (the diagram below) perfectly illustrates how basic needs must be satisfied in order to move from basic surviving to living well and thriving.

It is practically impossible to move to a higher level of the pyramid when the needs of the lower levels have not yet been fully met; (test it and see), and at this time, most of us are stuck in the bottom two layers. The present situation makes connecting with others (a basic human need), much more difficult, which in turn impacts our relationships, sense of belonging and connectedness with wider groups of people. Knowing this at least helps us to make sense of our feelings and our possible lack of self esteem.

 Lower our expectations of others

Life feels uncertain, changeable, there is no definiteness in the way that we felt there was before. Parents and children alike are affected in all kinds of ways as the reliable and containing routines of school and work have gone or changed along with the sense of security they provided.  For parents, having their children at home and feeling the pressures of home schooling, or at least making sure that school work is being done, can feel like a huge additional load.  Add on to this their own work schedules and you have very stressed out parents.  For children and teenagers, learning on line, however good the material and teaching, is challenging. Without a classroom environment and a teacher on hand to explain and keep students on task, self motivation and enthusiasm quickly wains. So of course feelings will run high and tempers become frayed, this is an exceptionally difficult time for everyone.  So it has to be a time of extra understanding, of cutting others some slack. Young children could regress, and so to could teenagers, behaviours and emotions might now be expressed in different and less than desirable ways. But when we put this into the context of the times in which we are living it helps us to be more understanding and empathic. Encouraging our children to speak about their feelings through example is always a good thing, now more than ever!

 Routines take us a long way

From necessity and for our own sanity we have all had to relax our usual routines and schedules. As the reliability of school and work has been temporarily lost or dramatically changed, so to have the structures that we lived our lives around.  Routines are important though, they give us certainty and order and help us to feel emotionally, physically and mentally safe and contained.  When we don’t have a routine we can easily feel as though nothing is holding us in place, which can lead us to feel insecure and unsafe.  So the more of a (relaxed) routine we can make for ourselves, (and for parents, their children) the better you and they will feel.  This means keeping to a reasonable bedtime and also getting up time. Studies have shown that teenagers naturally wake at a later time than the old school day allowed for so it might be helpful to keep this in mind, as long as they are up to log onto lessons at the allotted time, it doesn’t matter if their day doesn’t fit exactly into a traditional school day. Mealtimes can make natural punctuation marks in the day and help to keep an order and sense of knowing what is coming next. Predictability is emotionally regulating so making life predictable without being too rigid is going to be helpful. Again, these are difficult times and routines don’t have to be set in stone, they are there to help not to restrict or feel punishing.

 Find healthy ways to let feelings out

Everyone needs to express and offload their feelings and when things are this difficult, it is important that we do this for both ourselves and others.  Making the time and space to talk to another person who understands and will listen, empathise and also share feelings is emotionally calming.  Parents have a hard job right now, not only are they having to manage their own feelings they are also being faced with their children’s overwhelming feelings too. A young person will often express their feelings through behaviours such as crying, getting very angry for no obvious reason or shutting themselves away in their rooms. The task for parents/carers (if they want a peaceful life) is to learn to contain both their own feelings and also the feelings of their children. If you as the parent and ‘feeling container’ become too full with your own feelings there will be little room left for theirs and they/you could quite possibly explode as a result! So look for healthy ways to enable speaking about and expressing feelings, try not to judge or jump into making things better, just listen assure and validate the feelings. This style of communication helps the child to feel attuned to which teaches them the skills of regulating and calming their own emotions.

 Give a little

Screen time has been a bone of contention for many parents and their children and yet now it seems, screen time is the thing we all need, for education, work and for keeping in touch with family and friends. Where would we be without it and if only it was a resource available to all!

Many teens will be on their screens for hours in a day, speaking to friends on social media as well as using it for school work, listening to music etc.  It has become the thing that connects us and if adults feel like this, young people (who often feel the need to connect more) will really be feeling it.  Of course computer screens can’t be on throughout the night, but there might be good reason for loosening the usual rules a little. Ask your child what they need the screen for and really listen to their answers, are they feeling lonely, detached from friendships and the familiar things in life. Empathy takes us such a long way, it gives us, as parents a way into understanding our children’s feelings and experiences which means we can be better equipped to best guide and reassure them.

Making our Internal dialogues work for us!

If someone were to ask you about the quality of your internal dialogue (the conversations you have with yourself in your head) you might wonder what the person was getting at, but it’s a question worth considering when looking for ways to improve our own mental health. That is because our internal dialogue powerfully influences the way that we perceive and live our lives which further influences how we feel and go on to behave.

One study highlighted the fact that the average person talks to themselves at a rate which is equivalent to speaking 4000 words a minute.  Imagine if you were asked to write an essay of 4000 words!  The nature of each persons internal conversation varies considerably. It could be that the dialogue is a rambling verbalisation of thoughts, or alternatively it could be a reliving of past and recent events often with a critical commentary alongside it. Or it could be a fast and furious stream that bounces off in many directions, taking the thinker off on a journey that they would never knowingly choose to take. Whichever kind of internal dialogue you personally have, the noise can be deafening, destructive, paralysing and self sabotaging. 

 The ability to think and make assessments based on past and possible future events is a wonderful and sometimes life saving skill, but it can also take us into an unhelpful cycle of self destruction!

 Incredibly, our internal dialogue can blot out or radically detract from the way we could experience life with all the joys it has to offer.  The present moment is lost when we are so absorbed in our thoughts that we lose the capacity to engage and fully enjoy life as it is happening.

 And yet we are encouraged in these times, to share and to really feel our feelings and to be emotionally introspective in finding answers and solutions to our problems. Communicating with ourselves is inevitable (try to sit and not think for even one minute and you will see for see how internally chatty you are!). But we could ask the question, ‘are there good and bad ways to do this?’  Are there techniques that we could use to quieten our inner voices when they are too loud, negative and self sabotaging?

 To understand ourselves is to understand that there is no way of permanently ridding ourselves of uncomfortable feelings that we would rather not feel such as anxiety and depression. Actually, emotions such as guilt and shame are useful in manageable amounts - they help us to manage and moderate our behaviour so that we can fit into society more easily.

 What if it were possible though, to turn the volume of our internal dialogue down a bit so that we could manage our emotions and experiences without falling back into the cycle of self criticism and negativity.

Putting distance between ourselves and the ‘problem’.

Whilst avoiding emotions totally can not be considered a good thing, addressing them whilst putting some distance between the problem and oneself, might be.  Think of it as the ability to step back and reflect, widening the lens for greater perspective.  Distancing requires you to look ahead, to visualise yourself in the future. Research shows that if a person is experiencing a difficult situation, (that they could easily worry and obsess over), instead ask themselves how this present situation will feel next month, next year, in five years time etc. the issue becomes instantly more manageable.  An example of this could be not doing so well in a test. This might feel huge in the moment but if you were to ask yourself the question ‘how will I feel about this next month?’ It instantly feels more manageable.

 Distanced self talk

 If you can teach yourself the art of speaking to yourself in the second or third person, you will have gained an invaluable ‘psychological hack’ that can help you in a vast range of situations.  You may do it already. This would look something like ‘mate, you really don’t need to get yourself in a state about this, it really isn’t the end of the world’. It’s like having a helpful and soothing internalised friend, there to talk you through the difficult stuff! It can also help you when you need to do something that you might perceive as challenging.  A job or college interview for instance could be re-framed and internally spoken about as an exciting challenge in which you could say to yourself, ‘I know you can rise to this, you will do great, I know you will!’

 Gaining a sense of perspective

 Any activity that induces a sense of awe is useful in helping to put things into perspective.  Walking in nature and purposefully noticing what you see around you, the size of the trees, the beauty of the sun setting, all help with holding a sense of perspective.

Writing a daily journal can prove helpful for some, as something that feels so terrible one day physically becomes old news the next.

Creating external order is also helpful in the way that it both helps to quieten the mind and also in feeling more organised internally too. Reorganising a sock drawer has more benefits than just being able to find a pair of socks!

 Make sharing with friends an opportunity to increase inner resilience

Young people are often very good at sharing their feelings with friends, joining together for support and strength, which is great.  But just as there are good ways to talk to ourselves there are also good ways to talk to each other.  Just as you begin to practice the inner distancing techniques discussed here, so you can also practice this with your friends.  Helpfully suggest to the friend that this situation won’t feel so bad this time next week. Help them to re-frame the issue to try and see it in a less problematic way. Look for resolutions and for ways to separate the problem from the person. 

 The pandemic has been a difficult time and anxiety and depression have undeniably been experienced by many. But there is also a lot of personal resilience to be seen, and an underestimation of how well many people are doing as they find adaptive ways to manage difficult times.  Try to recognise and acknowledge the ways that you have personally been resourceful during this extended time period and really give yourself credit for doing so!

Breathe your way to Calm

If you have ever found yourself feeling breathless due to anxiety, it might help to know that there are breathing techniques you can try which are proven to alleviate this uncomfortable and disconcerting side effect of feeling anxious.
We have probably all heard someone say, ‘just breathe’ when they see another person becoming anxious and their breathing jagged, but just breathing isn’t enough…hopefully they haven’t stopped! It is learning how you breath in those moments that can make so much difference to managing your anxiety and actually retraining your body to alleviate this unhelpful bodily response.

Lengthening your exhale breathe

It is not taking a long breathe in that calms your nervous system. In fact, when you take a deep breath in you are actually exciting your nervous system, (the sympathetic nervous system) and igniting the fight-or-flight response. It is actually the exhaling (out) breathe that is responsible for calming the nervous system (the parasympathetic nervous system). It is the out breathe that influences your body’s ability to relax and calm down. Taking too many deep breaths too quickly can actually cause hyperventilation which decreases the amount of oxygen-rich blood flowing to your brain. When we feel anxious or under stress, it’s easier to breathe too much and end up hyperventilating, even if we are trying to do the opposite.

1. Before you take a big, deep breath, try a thorough exhale instead. Push all the air out of your lungs, then simply let your lungs do their work inhaling air.

2. Next, try spending a little bit longer exhaling than you do inhaling. For example, try inhaling for four seconds, then exhale for six.

3. Try doing this for two to five minutes. This technique can be done in any position that’s comfortable for you, including standing, sitting, or lying down.

Breath focus

When deep breathing is focused and slow, it can help reduce anxiety. You can do this technique by sitting or lying down in a quiet, comfortable location. Then:

1. Notice how it feels when you inhale and exhale normally. Mentally scan your body. You might feel tension in your body that you never noticed.

2. Take a slow, deep breath through your nose.

3. Notice your belly and upper body expanding.

4. Exhale in whatever way is most comfortable for you, sighing if you wish.

5. Do this for several minutes, paying attention to the rise and fall of your belly.

6. Choose a word to focus on and repeat during your exhale. Words like “safe” and “calm” can be effective.

7. Imagine your inhale washing over you like a gentle wave.

8. Imagine your exhale carrying negative and upsetting thoughts and energy away from you.

9. When you get distracted, gently bring your attention back to your breath and your words. Practice this technique for up to 20 minutes daily when you can.

Link to a mindful breathing exercise - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nmFUDkj1Aq0&feature=share

Link to Breathing techniques to reduce stress - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQjGqtH-2YI&feature=share

Adopt a helpful mindset

As we all adjust and then readjust as asked to the current life situation we find ourselves in, it isn’t surprising that some of us may struggle to manage difficult and sometimes upsetting feelings.

We are facing uncertainty in ways we haven’t known before. This means accepting that there are some things beyond our control and that what we can control is sometimes limited. Struggling to come to terms with this may lead to feelings of helplessness which can then affect our ability to focus and function effectively. 

To function and focus well, we need to feel that we have some control over what happens to us. The best way to achieve a feeling of autonomy and self control is through empowering our minds (our controllers). Understanding how our mind works can help by providing us with the knowledge and tools to be able to live productive and effective lives.

If we think of our mind as having three views. Birds eye view, ground level view and underground view; it helps to explain when and why we dwell in one or other of those three positions and what is happening when we do.

The birds eye view allows as to see things from above, from this perspective we are in control and can make decisions based on knowing our options from the vantage point of seeing all perspectives. When we are in this mind state we are creative, there is a natural flow to what we do that doesn’t seem to involve concentrated thinking. 

Ground level view is where we are when we are working, learning and engaging well in life and social situations. Here we use what we know to get things done and problem solve. This is where we and most of those around us spend the majority of our time. From this place we can take in information and respond to it accordingly.

When our minds are functioning from these two vantage points, things generally run smoothly. We can adapt to what is needed and expected of us, having the advantage of clarity and clear vision.

The underground view is where we disappear to when we are scared, anxious, angry or upset. From this position it is almost impossible to see clearly because the thinking part of the mind isn’t engaged anymore. This is survival mind, a life saving position if we are in danger and need our instincts to kick in fast, but not so helpful when we go there too easily or get stuck there for too long.  

We will all, at times, find ourselves going underground.  Physical signs that we are there include, sweating, heart racing, upset stomach and the inability to think clearly. But the problem isn’t in going underground, it is in getting stuck and immobilised there that the problem lies.

We can sometimes find ourselves underground through someone else going there first.  Everyone will be able to think of a time, perhaps at school, home, with friends, where they observed someone becoming angry, scared, panicked or irrational. When one person goes underground, their inability to think rationally can impact those around them. Their high emotion can ignite something in another person (adult or young person) and before you know it, both are underground and unable to think clearly enough to pull themselves back out.

We can come back to a higher viewpoint-mind by using a certain set of skills.

• The first skill is to be aware that you (or someone else) has gone there. Knowing and recognising the signs of someone going underground is really helpful in keeping yourself on ground level and not disappearing there with them. Knowing and being aware gives us a lot of control over our mind state.

• The second skill is to practice deep breathing, slow breathes in and even slower ones out. This instantly calms and regulates the emotional mind, putting you back in control of yourself. (Practice to be prepared for when you need it).

• Preparing comforting and encouraging statements that you can repeat to yourself when you feel yourself going underground will enable you to reassure and comfort yourself.  Examples could be:- I am safe and in control of myself, I have managed situations like this before and I know I can do the same now, I am strong and capable. He/she is upset and has gone underground, I know that, so choose not take offence or get upset too. (Think carefully and choose words that will work for you, make sure that everything you say to yourself is kind and compassionate).

• Ground yourself. This means helping yourself out of a panic state and back into a mindset where you can think and function clearly. The first step is to notice and internally name four things you can see in your surroundings, e.g. a clock on the wall, a cushion etc. The second step is to pay attention to what you can hear and pick out three sounds both near and far. Thirdly, check into your body and notice two sensations, these could be, the feeling of a watch strap on your wrist, your back supported by the chair or the heat of your hands resting on your legs. This might sound strange but by enlisting the help of your senses you can quickly come back up to a higher state of mind where thinking is clearer and functioning possible again.

For some people, bringing themselves up to ground level is easy and natural, for others it is much harder. Recognising and practicing regulating your emotions is the most helpful thing you can do for your mind. If your controller is in  control you will feel stronger knowing that you can help yourself ( and others) out when you need to.

Build Resilience to Bounce Back

Being resilient means having the ability to bounce back from adversity. When life gets tough, (as at times it inevitably does), it is our resilience that gives us the strength to pick ourselves up and carry on anyway.  So developing resilience is actually dependent upon things not going well, disappointments, failure, emotional distress, are all prerequisites for building greater resilience. 

It is fairly safe to say that we are all to some degree resilient. We will all have experienced defeat and disappointment in some form or another and yet still managed to carry on. Having those experiences, however upsetting at the time, actually made us stronger and added to our life experience, if properly integrated.

A person with strong resilience has -

• The capacity to make realistic plans and do what is necessary to carry them out.

• A positive view of themselves and confidence in their own strengths and abilities.

• The ability to communicate and problem-solve effectively.

• The capacity to manage their own feelings and impulses.

So clearly being resilient is beneficial, who doesn’t want to live life with the ease that comes from having the above attributes? Thankfully, resilience isn’t a have or have not trait, it is something that can be built and improved upon  through concerted self effort. It comes as a result of being aware of the opportunities for self-development and having the courage to take advantage of them.

There are many ways to build up your own reserve of resilience. Below are some pointers in the right direction:-

• Allow yourself to feel and process all of your emotions, they are there to be felt.

• Identify your own support system (people that you can depend on and confide in). Allow yourself to gain the support of others as you also support and encourage them.

• Notice how you are feeling and do what you need to do to look after yourself, e.g. having enough sleep, time to relax, a good enough diet and a workable and well rounded routine.

• Identify something(s) that gives you a sense of purpose in your life and use it/them to build positive self esteem and belief in your own abilities, (look for the positives and record them, they can easily be missed if you’re not in the habit of noticing them).

• Accept and embrace change and endings as inevitable, they act as openings for new beginnings.

• Be optimistic - don’t ignore your problems, just understand that everything passes (even problems), and that you have what it takes to make it through if you dig deep enough!

• Develop problem solving skills through strategies such as making a list of potential ways to solve your current problem. Take whatever action is necessary and doable. Accept that there will be things you cannot solve and that you have no control over and determine to let those things go.

• Reframing - is the ability to see a certain situation, disappointment, defeat etc through a different ‘frame’.  An example of this could be an argument with a friend. In one frame this could be seen as very upsetting, things were said, which although true, caused a friend to walk off angry and upset, “we are no longer speaking, our friendship is over!” Reframed this could be seen as a disagreement with a friend which was discussed and aired. “She left which means that by taking time out we will both have time to think things through, we can come back together and resolve the issue when we have both calmed down.”

Resilience comes through maintaining an awareness of ourselves, other people and our environments. We build it through accepting and moving on from disappointments; by not allowing them to take over our thoughts and emotions in negative and self destructive ways.  This way of being keeps us balanced and in tune with ourselves and others. It enables us to accept ourselves for who we are, not for what we have or have not done or achieved. 

A couple of quotes which perfectly describe what strong resilience looks like in practice:-

‘She was unstoppable, not because she didn’t have failures or doubts, but because she continued on despite them.’ (Beau T)

‘Success is not final, failure is not fatal, it is the courage to continue that counts.’ (Churchill W)

Positive Journalling

Have you ever found you can’t sleep, perhaps because you have so many things going round in your mind. Maybe things to remember for the following day, things you need to say, or worries about things that have happened that day? The next time this happens try writing a list of what you need to do/say or are concerned about. You will probably find that as soon as what is out of your head, is onto paper, you can let the thoughts go, they are recorded, they don’t need to swirl around in your mind anymore. This is the basis of what journalling is, and it can be as simple or as involved as you would like, or need it to be. 

Many people find that writing a journal is a helpful way of making sense of what is happening in their lives and for putting worry’s and thoughts into perspective. 

But journalling needs a few guidelines for it to be beneficial. If it focuses too much on obsessing and thinking in isolation it can have the opposite effect, so to make sure that any journaling you do is helpful and serves you well there are a few things you may need to consider. 

Positive journalling when practiced, allows you to:- 

• Evaluate your thoughts and emotions from an objective standpoint. 

• Allows you to see other peoples perspectives in more balanced and empathic ways. It is helpful to bear in mind that other people’s behaviour often isn't down to something you have said or done, they could simply be having a bad day. Exploring this through journalling can make a big difference to relationships and also how you feel about yourself. 

• Ideas, plans and dreams for the future when written down instantly feel more tangible which means that the steps needed to reach those goals can be thought about, and in small manageable steps, implemented. Everything starts with a thought and a thought or idea written down instantly has more power and potential than one that is just floating around in your head! 

To make journalling positive and productive, start by writing down three positive qualities and strengths that you value in yourself. You could expand on this by writing down a couple more that you aspire to achieve. Everyone holds values and it is a good idea to pinpoint what yours are. Examples of these might be, to be honest, always striving to do your best, to be kind and thoughtful of others feelings, to stay true to yourself......the list could go on. 

Some things to keep in mind as you journal:- 

• Notice the connection between your thoughts, feelings and behaviours. 

• What is it that is preventing you from living according to your own values in any given situation. This is something to self-compassionately explore through your journalling. 

• When you have written about an issue or problem, consider what there is within it that you can learn and grow from. 

• Consider what you have written about from the outside perspective of a very good friend, what would he/she say to you about this? Reassure and write that kindly to yourself in your journal. 

• Think about the other person in your life story, what might they be thinking/feeling, why might they have behaved or spoken as they did? 

• If you always respond in the same way in certain situations, try using your journal to explore some different responses and consider the different outcomes that might come as a result of them. 

• If you have goals you would like to reach, use your journal to track the steps you need to take. Give yourself some written encouragement and understanding, again, just as you would if it was a good friend you were speaking to. 

• Life doesn’t always go smoothly and journalling can’t change that. It can help you though, to tolerate some uncertainty and also to raise your confidence enough to be able to deal and prepare for possible set backs and worst case scenarios. 

• But if you don’t do or implement anything else, do this:- 

Every day write three positive things that you liked or that you felt went well in your day. These can be as simple as someone unexpectedly acknowledging you or a meal that you enjoyed. This is positive journalling and it will help you to begin noticing and looking out for the good in your life that you might be currently missing. Doing this can completely change the way you think, see and experience life which is the best reason in the world for giving it a go?

Thinking Errors

Have you ever wondered why you can be feeling great, or at least okay one minute, and then suddenly feel ‘off’, negative or downright depressed the next.

As a way to understand what might be happening, try this exercise..... Bring to mind a recent event or encounter which left you feeling negative or in a lower mood than before. Once you’ve thought of one ask yourself how you responded/reacted to this event/situation.

• Did you proactively take control of the situation, dealing with it as necessary, in action and thought?

• Or were you reactive, taking things personally, assessing the situation using familiar and self destructive ways of thinking and behaving?

If it was the later, you are falling into what have been described as cognitive distortions or thinking errors. I am going to refer to them as ‘thinking errors’ here, because it’s an easy to understand definition and that’s what they are, errors in the way we take in, process and make sense of information.

Thinking errors are sneaky little things, they creep in unnoticed, progressively twisting our thoughts and perceptions in the most negative and unhelpful of ways. At their worst thinking errors can trigger feelings of negativity and pessimism which may lead to depression and anxiety. But once you are aware that you are using them, that awareness can be employed to overcome them, radically changing the way you think and perceive life, others and yourself.

Try another one...have you ever noticed how a thought (in the wrong direction) can drastically change your mood and the way you feel? Consider for a moment also how this might go on to affect your behaviour or the way you interact with others. Chances are you will notice a strong connection between thoughts, feelings/emotions and behaviours.

When you feel negative it is because your thoughts have been grossly distorted. It is the twisted thinking that is causing your unhappiness, not the actual event/encounter/conversation!

So we will now take a little meander through a few of the different thinking errors. Consider which ones you might inadvertently be falling into and try out the suggestions that can be used to challenge and counteract them.

• All-or-nothing thinking (also known as black-or white thinking, refers to a tendency to think in terms of false extremes. You’re either on top of the world or down in the depths of despair. And if you fall short of your expectation, you perceive yourself as a total failure. Thinking in either/or categories isn’t just illogical; it’s incorrect (not to mention unrealistic).

  Example: “I missed the ball. I’m a total loser” Solution: There are no absolutes in life. There are shades of grey in between, but you’ll never notice them when you discount the complexity of life and other people.

• Disqualifying the positive - involves transforming neutral or positive experiences into negative ones. The worse part? Most people aren’t even aware they’re doing it. If you experience a negative event, it’s a justification of a limiting belief (“Typical This ALWAYS happens!”) And if your fortune changes for the better? Nope. It’s an exception. You can’t win.

  Example: After passing an exam, you might comment, “Oh, it was nothing really. They made it easier this year.”

  Solution: Cultivate an attitude of gratitude by writing down three things you’re grateful for every day.

• Emotional reasoning, taking our emotions as evidence for the truth. If you recall, your feelings are a result of your thoughts, so if they’re distorted (which, if you’re feeling dis-empowered, they probably are), they have no validity. Example. “I feel worthless, therefore I am worthless.”

  Solution. Challenge the validity of your feelings by asking yourself, “What thought did I just have?” Often, there’s an unconscious cue that triggered the thought and therefore the emotion.

• Filtering (also known as mental filtering) similar to all-or-nothing thinking and disqualifying the positive, filtering involves focusing entirely on the negative aspects of a situation while excluding the positive. When you dwell exclusively on a negative detail, you perceive the whole situation as negative and therefore, in your mind, everything is negative. If you believe you’re unhappy, you’ll filter out any positive elements. Why? Because we tend to filter out information that doesn’t conform to our already held beliefs.

  Example: You receive praise for a presentation at school but one class mate offers mildly critical feedback. You reflect on his reaction for days and ignore all the positive feedback.

  Solution: Ask yourself, “What’s great about this problem? What else could this mean?”. Returning to the above example, is it possible your class mates feedback has some validity?

• Jumping to conclusions When you’re jumping to conclusions, you’re reaching negative conclusions with little (or no) evidence. Two examples of this are “mind-reading” and “fortune telling”. • Mind-Reading Mind-reading is when you assume what others are thinking and feeling about you without having any concrete evidence to suggest so. Often, you respond to these assumptions as if they’re true, thus withdrawing from others without a valid reason. When mind-reading is performed regularly, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy where every interaction is further evidence for a negative belief (“I knew they hated me”).

  Example: “She looked at me and then turned to her friend to whisper something. She’s gossiping about me. I just know it”

  Solution: Test your assumptions. If you don’t investigate, you don’t know.

• Fortune-telling (also known as the fortune teller error) Similar to mind-reading, fortune-telling is the tendency to predict the future and foresee negative outcomes. Taking unrealistic predictions as fact, can, in turn, affect your behaviour and create a self-fulfilling prophecy.        

  Example: “I just know I’m going to flunk my test today.” Solution: Ask yourself, “What evidence is there for my prediction?” How often are you on-point with your predictions?

• Labelling - is an extreme form of over-generalisation and involves attaching a negative label to yourself or others instead of a mistake. When describing a mistake you made, it’s often front-loaded with an “I am” statement.

  Example: Saying, “I’m a failure” rather than, “I failed”.

  Solution: Attribute your errors to the event rather than yourself. Define yourself by your efforts, not your outcomes.

• Catastrophising - is when you exaggerate the importance of your errors, fears, and imperfections. Example: “I can’t believe I said that. My life is over!”

  Solution: Similar to mis-labeling, be mindful of the vocabulary you use to describe undesired outcomes. •

• Over-generalisation - is when you categorically conclude that a single negative event is a never-ending pattern of defeat. If you experience a negative incident, you believe it’s likely to happen again and again.

  Example: “Why does this always happen to me?!”

  Solution: Universals are words like “always”, “every” and “never”. If you catch yourself saying, “I never get anything right, ” you might respond back with, really, never?

• Personalisation occurs when you assume responsibility for an external event over which you have no control. When you personalise, you feel guilty because you confuse influence with control over others. This triggers feelings of guilt and self-condemnation.

  Example: “My sister fell over, I should have been watching her.”

  Solution: Understand that you cannot be in control of everything and everyone..

• Should statements. This is when you have strict ideas and rules for how you, or others, should and shouldn’t behave. When our expectations fall short, we feel disappointed, frustrated, resentful, even angry.

  Example: “People ought to call ahead when they’re running late.”

  Solution: Adjust your expectations so they’re more realistic. When someone fails to meet your expectation, ask yourself what might be going on for them.

“Untwisting cognitive distortions isn’t always easy. We all have narratives that are deeply ingrained in our psychology (many of which hold us back from realising our full potential). But with a little time, attention and energy, we can begin freeing ourselves from the errors in our thinking and make meaningful progress toward the things that matter most.” (Davies. S)

Living Mindfully

When do our lives begin?

The obvious answer to this question is ‘when we are born of course.’ And yet it seems that so many of us put our lives on hold, unconsciously maintaining that life can only start properly once certain criteria have been met. These could be, passing exams and leaving school, meeting set relationship goals, or even feeling that we are ‘self improved’ enough for the life we want to properly begin.

But actually, when you really think about it, life isn’t dependent upon anything, you are in it and living valuable moments of it right now!

Life is often expressed as a linear time line, the past on one side, the present in the middle and the future extending out in the opposite direction. It’s quite an interesting and worthwhile exercise to stop and access how much time is focused in these three places.....for most people time spent in the present moment is the least. Yet applied logic tells us that the present moment is all we have, or ever will have, the past has been lived and the future is yet to come, no amount of ruminating or anxious worrying can change that.

And yet, as life unfolds in the present, so often precious time is wasted in depression that arises from delving into the past or anxiety that comes from obsessing about the future. We always seem to be doing something or being something, allowing very little time to ‘just let ourselves be’.

This state of ‘just being’ has been described as ‘living in the moment’ or mindfulness, (an open and intentional attention on the present). When you become mindful, you realise that you are not your thoughts (quite a revolutionary realisation). And once this is understood, an opportunity opens up to become the observer of your own thoughts. This means just that, observing with interest, not judging, assessing or pushing thoughts away, just noticing.

Mindless thinking, (the opposite of mindful thinking) will keep us attached to our thoughts and can even make us believe that we are our thoughts and that the stories we have built around them are truths! The famous writer Mark Twain once said, "I have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.” He was talking about catastrophising, (worrying about things that haven't happened yet and most likely never will). When we are able to truly let go of thoughts about the past and worries for the future and take our full awareness to the present moment, our worries, for that moment at least, magically melt away.

This all sounds great, a magic formula that means you never need to experience the trials and turmoils of anxiety and depression again? Maybe not quite, but being mindful certainly does provide a way to experience a lot more peace in your life.

So how can this be achieved?

• Through being fully conscious/present and savouring the simple things in life such as eating a delicious meal, drinking a cup of tea, going for a walk etc. People have found that they experience more joy and happiness and far fewer depressive symptoms when they choose to focus their attention in this way.

• Through losing track of time. Psychologists call this being in flow. Flow occurs when you become so absorbed in a task or what you are doing, that you lose all track of time or of what is around you. (Perhaps you can think of a time when this has happened to you? What were you doing? Could you do more of it?)

• Grounding ourselves is a great way of bringing awareness to our bodies and away from an over thinking mind. It can be done through noticing our own breath and also through observing things in our environments using all five of our senses.

So, in answer to the first question, ‘where does life begin? It begins now and continues on with every mindfully observed and appreciated moment.

Taking Care of Ourselves when we don’t feel in control

What is there to say at a time such as this, where what we are being told to do is changing daily? Where the things we took as certainties, such as going to school, being able to get on the tube to go to work, are suddenly not certainties anymore.

Neuroscience tells us that uncertainty can lead to fear which in turn triggers the survival part of the brain, (the flight, flight or freeze response). Of course there will be apprehension at this time, how could there not be, amidst so much upheaval. This may well lead to behaviour that is difficult to make sense of....and that’s all of us, not just the younger ones! Suddenly we are spending more time together, feelings perhaps running high and tempers becoming frayed. So what can we do to get through this sanely, in a way where we are not just surviving but actually thriving!

Firstly, we need to acknowledge that how we are feeling at this time is understandable and that what we internally experience and how we react, varies from person to person. As adults in children’s/teenagers lives, it is important that we somehow manage and regulate our own emotions and feelings (as best we can), so that we can help them to regulate and balance theirs.

Make time and space for worries and feelings to be expressed. Although our instincts tell us to reassure and make promises that everything will be alright, try and stick to the facts and give as much information as you can. Validate fears, worries etc, (resist labelling fears as silly).

If we can think of behaviour as a means of communication a lot more may be understood. E.g. fighting, arguing, bolting are all survival responses. When someone is reacting from this brain state, talking and asking them to calm down is not helpful. Instead, let the person know that you understand that they are upset/angry and that you know it is hard for them. Let the moment pass before trying to talk the matter through later.

Lower expectations. At this time, when everyone is feeling unsure, make allowances for feelings and expect things to be unsettled for a while. Routines might not run smoothly so try and accept that.

Make home feel like a safe and relaxing place.

Take breaks from watching, reading, or listening to news stories, including social media.

Take care of your body. Look up a mindfulness app and give it a go. Take some long slow and calming breaths. Try to eat healthily and exercise regularly. Try and get the right amount of sleep and spend sometime, if possible, outside in the sun.

As with everything in life, there is always going to be a way to gain something positive from a difficult experience. If there is one thing that everyone can do, child or adult it is to be kind, to give another person the benefit of the doubt. Acknowledge and let a behaviour or cross word go where you normally wouldn’t. These are the times to pull together and try, where possible to see the other persons perspective before asking them to understand

Feeling Safe

We all know it really, but it’s a hard one to accept...“there are things in life that we have little or no control over”, and never has this been more obvious than it is right now.

Many of us may find ourselves almost fighting against a feeling of helplessness, perhaps trying to force others to do as we think they should or micro-managing our environments. It gives us the temporary illusion that we are in control and that we can prevent bad things from happening.

Others may notice themselves worrying excessively, knowing logically that their worries won’t help, but worrying away anyway. (It’s a bit like frantically rocking in a rocking chair, it doesn’t take you anywhere but it keeps you occupied while you wished it would).

So, what can we do?

• 1. Look at the facts and work out what you do have control over. For example, you can’t control another persons behaviour but you can control how you respond to it. This is quite an empowering realisation, it means that you know where it’s worth putting your energy and where you would be better to let things go.

• In this present time, you can’t physically meet up with friends and family members outside of your own house-holds but you do have control over finding other, quite creative ways of staying in touch. (e.g. make a time with a grandparent and FaceTime them, (if you both have the technology) and do the things you would do if you were re-ally together, like having tea and biscuits at the same time. If you have younger nieces and nephews or little cousins, arrange to have a play-time or story time with them.

• 2. Set boundaries for yourself that are healthy and well thought through and then acknowledge that whether an-other person follows your example or not, is out of your control....you will have done your best.

• 3. Over-thinking is never helpful. Of course we have to make plans for the future, and think things through properly, but if you find yourself imagining catastrophic outcomes over and over in your mind, you are over-thinking not problem solving.

• Imagine that you are switching a switch in your brain that takes you to another, more peaceful and relaxing channel, or watch a TV programme, distraction really works!

• 4. Think of this time as an opportunity to do things you haven’t had time to do before, read that book, write that story, paint a picture, write a letter. Try a TV or online exercise class or a mindfulness app.

• 5.Notice what you say to yourself in your head. We give our thoughts a lot of power by believing them, when actually, most of them have no grounding in fact at all. Use this time as an opportunity to challenge and redirect your thoughts to more helpful and kind ones. Don’t say any-thing to yourself in your head that you wouldn’t say to a good friend.

So, the main thing to remember is that when you find your-self focusing, obsessing or trying to control something that you have absolutely no control or power over, bring your focus back to what you can control to make that particular situation easier to bear.

“You can’t stop the rain from falling but you can make sure you have an umbrella when it does!”

The value of having a routine.

Routines ….. the value of having one, and the danger of falling down the hole of procrastination and possibly even anxiety/depression if you do not!

School provides a natural routine for both students and teachers, an ordered predictability to the day that provides a sense of security. And suddenly here we all are, left floundering, with no boundaries or definitive time structures to stick to anymore.

I’m guessing that to begin with this felt blissful, we could lie in in the mornings, stay up late at night, endlessly binge watch box sets with no thought of having to get up. I don’t know about anybody else here, but for me, this ‘freedom’ very quickly started to wear thin!

If you think back to the routines you had, of getting up in the morning to go to school, and having a set time to do homework. Remember how those routines quickly became natural habits, not something that needed considering or thinking about. Research shows that when we do something habitually we become good at it, which leads to a sense of mastery (even if this isn’t fully realised at the time). So it’s easy to understand how the unpredictability of this present time may feel anxiety provoking or depressing.

Developing a routine that works for you will provide an anchor of predictability, something solid to ground you in these tough and uncertain times! Building a routine though, is not instant, it takes time to construct and dedication to stick to and there also needs to be a reason to make it feel worth developing in the first place!

Science has proven a strong connection between routines and good mental health. The reason for this is that when we organise ourselves and know what to expect, we are more equipped to be able to challenge and counteract unhelpful thoughts. A routine also helps us to feel safe because we have a much clearer idea of what is coming and what we can expect. It also helps us to incorporate physical exercise into our day which means we will feel tired and sleep well at night. An interrupted sleep cycle as well as being difficult is also a well known precursor for mental health difficulties.

But a routine isn’t just about getting school work completed, it is most importantly of all, about making sure that all aspects of a happy healthy life are met and satisfied.

• Solid ground - where before there was school to ground you in the academic work needed to progress, this is no longer the case. It is now up to every individual to put a routine of their own in place. It doesn’t have to be relentless and it certainly doesn’t have to be for the same number of hours as school was. There is an old Chinese proverb that says ‘just commit to doing something for five minutes and the rest will follow.’ (Try it and see), if you can only manage five minutes, so what, five minutes is better than no minutes. You may find difficulties with the understanding of some subjects, if this is the case allow time in the routine of your day to ask for support but also accept that some things will have to be left and dealt with on your return to school, it will be perfectly possible to catch up! Be realistic in what you can do in a day, an over ambitious routine can be as unhelpful as not having one at all!

• Support and nurturing - we all need to stay connected with other people, (some more so than others), but communicating and staying connected to family, friends and the people that are important is a basic human need. Building this kind of support into your daily routine means that you will feel less stress. Sharing and caring really is the best way to decompress and stay grounded in reality.

• Growth - we all have things that we like to do, that feel important for our own well being. For one person this may be sitting down with a cup of tea at a certain time of day to watch a tv programme, for another it could be having time in the evening to read a book or do some exercise. It is easy to leave this important aspect of life out of a routine, but it is actually a really important one to make sure that you do include. It is what provides the balance between what you have to do and what you choose to do....both are essential for maintaining an all round routine that works for you and that you will want to stick with.

To develop your own routine, sit down with a pad and pen and write down all the things you have to do in a day and all the things that you want to do. Incorporate when and how you will stay connected to the people that are important to you. Carefully consider what works for you as an individual, your particular lifestyle, family imposed or otherwise. Think about your natural inclinations, are you an early riser? Do you need a certain amount of time just to sit and dream?

Once you have your routine up and running, allow some time for it to become established, (and don’t beat yourself up if you occasionally slip). Once it starts to feel like second nature (habit), do a little check in with yourself and ask ‘is this working for me?’ ‘Is there anything I need to change.’ Keep it fresh, keep it on trend and make sure that it keeps working and is still serving you well.

The adolescent brain in the midst of a crisis!

A teenagers brain is, (or certainly can be) ‘turbulent’. So many changes take place during this period of life. ‘Along with the physical changes of puberty, adolescents go through significant transformations in the way they think, act, feel and perceive the world’. A teenagers brain could give them the idea that they are invincible, with almost super human capabilities. It’s been described as being ‘wired for experimentation, without the ability to weigh up long-term outcomes.’

Developmentally, adolescence is a time of growth, for young people to begin to flourish as people in their own right, its what makes the exit out of childhood and into adulthood possible. And as in every period of growth it is a push and pull between safety (parents provide this) and the need to explore and develop (a teenagers natural impulse). This can easily become the point in life where parent and child come into conflict. The parental objective being to keep their children safe, while the young person pushes for more independence.

As parents/carers and the laws that govern us, focus at this time is on keeping every member of family and society safe For young people however, there may be the feeling of, ‘but that can’t/won’t happen to me’, or, ‘if I do that, I’ll get away with it’. For parents in the position of managing the ‘pull’ that the adolescent presents, it is probably most helpful to, in the first instance, offer empathy for their situation. ‘Yes, this time does feel difficult and missing out on time spent with friends is isolating.’

The temptation to offer the buts such as ‘this time will pass, and with patience in doing the right thing, much quicker too’ will be almost too difficult to resist. However, questions that promote discussion and reflection could well prove to be the better way in engaging your adolescent in understanding.

If your child does mess up, try not to read the riot act, instead ask questions such as ‘why do you think we’re isolating? What do you think the outcome of meeting up with friend's might be? Why do you think it is important that everyone follows the rules even though it is so difficult to do?’ When/if you are met with objections and anger try to empathise with the feeling being expressed….feeling understood is the single most effective way to calm and sooth ‘the adolescent brain’. Whereas asking your teenager to calm down in a quiet voice is the most igniting!

Try to lead through example in showing that despite the current situation, attention can be turned to what can be done not to what can’t. We can’t go out to meet friends but we can keep in contact in other very creative ways. We can’t go out to dinner but we can make dinners different, special, themed etc at home.

For parents and children/teenagers alike, this is a time to, of course be kind to others, but also to be kind to ourselves. This isn’t an easy time and difficult feelings will undoubtedly arise. Pushing those feelings aside might feel like the right thing to do but it is actually only by allowing yourself to go through them that you can get yourself through to the other side.